"Love stories generally build up to a romantic climax and then end,
leaving us with the impression that the couple lived happily ever after.
Sadly, the reality is rarely as rosy as this.
In the first flush of love nothing much matters beyond being together -
no sacrifice is too great if it helps you spend more time with the
person whose mere presence intoxicates you. But when the intoxication
starts to wear off, as it does unfortunately, little misunderstandings
start occuring, causing friction, irritation, long cold silences or
angry rows and the rosy image of love can give way to a deep sense of
disillusion.
 |
"Aquella luna que iluminó la oscuridad de la
noche en la que caminaba, es la misma que te dediqué sintiéndote cerca,
tan dulce, cálida y dorada como la miel que probé de tus labios..." (MJ)
—That moon which lit up the darkness in the middle of the night I was walking on, it's the same one I dedicated to you when feeling its closeness, so sweet, warm, as golden as the honey I tasted in your lips... |
Why is there this friction between men and women? John Gray
thinks he knows the answer. The root cause of the problem, apparently,
is that men and women don't understand just how different they are
emotionally. Men and women respond to problems in very different ways
and consequently have very different emotional needs. When people
insist on their own needs and fail to properly appreciate the needs of
their partners there is bound to be friction.
Women, typically, deal with problems and stresses by talking about how
they feel. A woman may easily feel overwhelmed and by talking she will
find relief and feel less upset. There is no need necessarily to deal
with the practicalities of the problem - they are of secondary
significance. What really matters is expressing herself, exploring her
emotions and getting the support from a loving relationship in which she
feels that she is understood.
Whereas women want to talk and talk about their problems, men withdraw
into the caves of their mind to focus on solving the problem. A man's
self-esteem is built on a sense of how competent he is, so he feels he
must develop the skills to solve his problems on his own. Asking for
help or idly expressing how terrible you feel is perceived as an
admission of weakness and incompetence. Rather than looking for
understanding, men want their partners to admire them for the way they
achieve their goals.
To illustrate a typical lack of understanding Gray describes the
following scenario: a man and a woman return home burdened by their
respective problems - he has been sitting on the train or in his car
silently trying to work out the problems of the day, but they seem
insoluble and a guy like this, when he gets home, is likely to have a
burning need to just sit in front of the telly or play a game just to
take his mind off his problems and find a way to gradually relax. But
just when he is trying to forget a confusing and problematic reality,
his partner wants him to listen as she pours out all her problems,
looking for support and understanding. If he has the energy, he may
tolerate this just enough to work out what the main problem is, then he
will bluntly suggest a solution before returning to the TV or the game.
But the woman doesn't want solutions - she wants a kind ear and someone
to embrace her. Each annoys the other: he with his silence and she
with her continual moaning.
The more busy life becomes, the greater this friction will be. As the
problems men face seem greater and more intractable, the more they need
to escape and the less they are able to patiently sit and lovingly
listen to their partner's frustrations. The more demanding a woman's
life becomes, the greater her emotional turmoil is and the more she has
to express. If her partner is glued to the TV or out skydiving all the
time, they will grow further and further apart.
John Gray, whose job it is to provide counselling for couples, is
optimistic. With a little help he thinks men and women can understand
each other better and learn to respect their differences. He thinks
that women can start to respect that men need to withdraw to cope with
stress and they can realise that this doesn't mean that they no longer
love them. And he is convinced that men can find that listening to
their partner talk about her problems could actually help them come out
of their caves in the same way as watching TV or skydiving. Apparently,
men
need to be needed. By learning to listen without giving solutions
they can see how much of a positive difference they can make in their
partner's life and thus appreciate how important they are. So the key
to keeping the flames of love alight would seem to be less telly and
more listening."
